Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
