just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
