sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
