She just used a chaser for red wine.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
