I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize