Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
