Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
