My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
