Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
it's great music for shaving your balls
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
