Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
