driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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