I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Randomize
