Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My bed smells like the plague
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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