I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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