Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
