I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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