i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You ate ashes out of my bong
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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