I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
