Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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