with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
