My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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