if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
