I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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