i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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