When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
