she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
im holly from the hills drunk
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
