Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
