I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
