If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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