remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
