Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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