It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
