I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
