my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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