Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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