I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
