no, he came in my armpit
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
