Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
This can only be settled by a dance off.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
