He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
