i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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