I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i came on her dog
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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