i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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