every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize