I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
