Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize