Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
