Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize