dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
