you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
