Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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