girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
