Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
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