i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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