some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
