If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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