Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize