wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
