That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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