Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
