Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
