i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
