i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
