i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
