My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He uses pillows to masturbate.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize