i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
