I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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