I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
