The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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